For those who know me, know that I have overcome some pretty enormous challenges in the past ten years. In 2010 (I call it my "zen in 10"), I had overcome addiction that had me grappled with what started as silken chord and ended up as a bondage of chains! This addiction was a direct result of trying to navigate through the pains and agony from being sexually abused a child at the hands of a neighbor boy. It was a confusing, painful, soul searching time. If any one knows about abuse survivors, trust in authority - esp ecclesiastical authority - is extremely difficult.
Through several years of counseling, sweet bishops and a wonderful husband, I had not only found some peace with the abuse, but also overcome the addiction. Christ was the center and strength of my change of heart whereas prior to then, I had always doubted if He was even there for me. I knew He was there for everyone else, but not me. However, I did experience that mighty change of heart and even called myself "Alisa the Younger" and I was on "fire". I wanted to share with the world that you can overcome anything...if you just believe HIM! What brought me that "mighty change of heart?" - the small things.
My bishop (after many interviews, battles and discussions) helped me begin to read the scriptures - no but really read - and listen to what they meant to me as they came alive! To pray daily - really pray with honesty and intent to do as the answers manifest. To really find the meaning in the sacrament. To worship in, not just to attend church. To live uprightly before God in that the only person I was worried about my image was with Heavenly Father, everyone else was just "noise" as their actions or perceived judgments were between them and God. I was in a great place and really growing spiritually.
So, what happened? Why am I in this place now where I struggle to enjoy church, where some people 's actions and words really irritate me, where my self esteem is back in a low place, where I have so many doubts that do not drive me to question, but to stay away from church? What is different? I found myself back into my addiction. I find myself feeling the pains of my abuse once again, anger back into my soul. Why? Is healing real? Is that mighty change of heart real? Or is it just one big lie?
I hated that fact that I ended back up in addiction recovery meetings. How embarrassing to be there after I had "professed" to so "changed". What a hypocrite I was to have slipped back into the old habits again. How could I ever even bear testimony again? How can I even share my "story" again? Some people had even used my story against me which really drove me away. I felt like I would never be the same.
So...there I was, I had lost hope that people can change - really change, lasting change - because here I am, right? I thought I changed, but I didn't.... I'm right back in this place. I had lost hope that I could have that change of heart, and keep it. One friend kept telling me that I can have that, but I told him that I have had it...didn't I? Or did I? Or was it a lie?
I was on the way home from a half marathon in Leavenworth, WA and had downloaded conference on my iPad so that I could listen while we drove home though the beautiful Cascades. It was a stunningly gorgeous Sunday afternoon as we wound through the mountains. The very first talk was by my very favorite apostle: President Dieter F. Uchtdorf "It Works Wonderfully".
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2015/10/it-works-wonderfully?lang=eng
In this talk he posed the question: "Is my experience in the Church working for me? Is it bringing me closer to Christ? Is it blessing my family with peace and joy as promised in the gospel?"
Given my past year of coming to church on a spiritually higher plane than when I left, the answer was a resounding, NO! But why? And how can I change it? I had lost hope that I can really experience or keep that change of heart. Or did I ever even have it? Then, President Uchtdorf said this:
"'Have ye experienced this might change in your hearts? ... and can you feel it now?' Such contemplation may help us to refocus or realign our daily efforts with the divine plan of salvation".
This pierced deeply into my heart and soul. Yes, I have experienced that change of heart. I know I have because I have a testimony and foundation built on Christ that I have never had before...and I cannot deny it! However, the answer to the second question - "can you feel it now?" - is NO! But, what that question did for me is help me realized that yes, I did experience that change of heart at one time, but it gave me hope that just because I lost it, does not mean I cannot regain it back once again! HOPE!
For the first time in quite awhile, I felt hope! I felt hope that I'm not a loser for overcoming, then falling again. I felt hope that I'm not alone in experiencing that change and then losing it. I felt hope I did experience that mighty change of heart and I have just lost it for a bit, and now....I can get it back! He then laid out some things to do to regain it!
1. SIMPLIFY
2. START WHERE YOU ARE
3. IT WORKS!
These steps were perfect for me! I had tried to make it to complicated! I could just start where I am! No need to go back and start from ground zero or try to be more than I am! Just start. AND....it does work and I do know that.
I am so grateful to general conference and the words that come that seemingly are there, tailor made and make you feel like "He knows my name!!!!". Even in my years when I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a member of this church, or if God was even there....I always, always...loved listening to the prophets and apostles at general conference because they never said anything that irritated me. They always made me feel loved and accepted - even me, the abused, broken and broken-hearted. I will never forget the talk by Richard G. Scott - https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/to-heal-the-shattering-consequences-of-abuse?lang=eng - where he looked directly into the camera and spoke to survivors of abuse and said, "It does not define who you are". The conference talks continue to speak to me, my Heavenly Father continues to speak to me.
This talk is what led me set aside pride, hurt, anger, and hopelessness and to accept an invitation for me and my husband to visit with our bishop. I will find that "mighty change of heart" once again and regain the "Alisa the Younger".
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